I'll be blunt

Well, I now remember why there ae so many suicides on this side of the mountains...I almost was one.  It has been grey, dismal and cold for the seven months toothless and I have been here.  I have missed the soul satisfying closeness of the Gaffer and the warmth of the earth. I promise you that this won't be maudlin, but I hope someone who reads this might have a better understanding of the thought processes of someone who is contemplating taking their life.

I knew I was going to take my life when I honestly contemplated having Toothless pass over the Rainbow Bridge.  I went to some friends home and knew I really couldn't do it, but I left him there and then drove back to my room I must have known I needed help cuz I called the Gaffer and told him I would not be coming home and I wouldn't answer any phone calls...now you have to understand the Gaffer's and my backgrounds... a whole lot of LE and critical incident stress stuff...so he called the cops on me...good for him...I spent a couple of hours on suicide watch and then a counselor came in and talked me down...or up as the case may be...I still can't stop leaking at the eyes, but that will go away...now as to why all of this sturm and drang stuff...

I moved here becauze I am past my sell by date and it was really hard to get a job, it was either a job SOMEWHERE or declare bankruptcy...now I don't know about you, but that just was not how I was brought up...so I take this job, doing what I love at a rediculously low salary half way across the county, living God only knows with whom.  Now I find out that we are having a "temporary" two year salary cut of 3% and 18 days of non-paid leave, and we should be GREATFUL!!!???  That was just about the straw, so they say...so I went to my friends, they plied with the potent waters of my choice, I left toothless (oh, by the way, I will be taking him back - he is a part of my soul and none of this is his fault) walked out the door, got my gun out the lock box and then drove off.

There was one thing the counselor said which I do not believe and neither does anyone who contemplates taking their life.  That is, she said:  "It is a very selfish act".  That may be so to ones who are left, but it is NOT what goes through the mind of the person who wishes to do this.  In their, my, mind it is the most selfLESS thing to do...and no one will talk them out of it if nothing comes into that person's life that means more them than stopping the pain.

I am fortunate that the Gaffer, although he doesn't understand why, he understands me and loves me and gives me some hope to grasp onto.

May you all wake up in the morning.

Le Conteur